How to deal with in-laws that interfere in your marriage.
When I talk about in-laws in this article, I am referring to any in-law such as mother-in-law, father in-law, brother in-law or sister in-law etc. (anyone who became family through marriage).
When a husband and wife join and form a life together they need to create a family culture of their own; doing this will bring them closer as a couple. It is important to form a united front from the beginning and start new traditions, not to say you can’t include your old traditions also, but including new ones sets you apart and will help you to form your own family. Getting married is such a joyous occasion and usually both sides of the family are very happy and welcoming a new son or daughter in-law onto the family. However after the honeymoon some in-laws can become controlling or find it difficult to accept their child now has a family of their own; this can even get more complicated when the couple starts having children. Most people do struggle with in-laws to some degree because there is an adjustment period when a marriage is formed. Your in-laws might have had dreams about how they wanted their son or daughter’s life to turn out and when it doesn’t work out the way they planned they may be disappointed, they may even try to fix your marriage so it fits into their dreams. When the marriage isn’t what your in-laws envisioned they might place blame on the new son or daughter in-law. Some in-laws can become incredibly critical of the spouse and even abuse them verbally. It can be difficult to let your in-law know they are overstepping their boundaries especially in the beginning because you do not have a history with them and you don’t know how they will react. It’s important for the husband and wife stick together and let everyone know that they are a team.
How to handle situations that involve your in-laws:
If you have an in-law that is controlling
First of all it is important to realize that when a person try’s to control your relationship they are most likely dealing with major insecurity issues and usually have a hard time letting go of their child and realizing that they now have a life of their own. Knowing that it is their insecurities that are causing discomfort in your marriage might help you to be more understanding of the situation. By no means am I saying that it is right for anyone to control your relationship but try to be sympathetic. You may very well have a child of your own and find yourself dealing with the same situation, so think about how you would want to be treated. Ok so how do you deal with a controlling in-law? Well, it is best for the son or daughter to talk to their own parent. Let the parent know that they are important in your lives but you have a family of your own and you would like them to respect that. Often getting up the courage to confront the parent is the hardest part but if you are calm and clear about them respecting the marriage that is usually all it takes. Sometimes they don’t get the message the first time or need to be reminded every once in a while but if you keep the message clear it will get easier over time.
If you have in-laws that are opinionated
You have to remember that when an in-law offers an opinion it is just that “an opinion” there is not fact or truth behind an opinion. You have the choice to except it, ignore it or disagree with it. There is no need to argue or disagree because everyone is entitled to their own opinion. However, there are ways to deal with an opinionated in-law. Sometimes just listening and respecting someone’s opinion without being judgmental can relieve some of the stress involved when dealing with in-laws. Just remember that listening on your part will encourage listening on their part too. Don’t ever try to change someone’s opinion because it will only encourage grief with all involved (think about how you feel when some tries to change your opinion). Always agree to disagree rather than fighting about it. Bottom line, if your in-law is offering unwanted opinions about your marriage just remember it’s your relationship and your family you are the one in control and the in-law will go home and you can continue to do whatever makes you happy.
If you have an in-law that doesn't understand boundaries
Some in-laws do not have any concept of boundaries, they will call or text all the time and expect you to respond ASAP or else they will be upset. Perhaps they always drop by unannounced and expect you to stop whatever you are doing to entertain them. When this sort of thing happens it is important to firmly put a stop to it. In this day and age we are all strapped for time, we are trying to work, pay bills and run a household and maintain a relationship so it is important to have a schedule and stick to it. This can be difficult to confront a parent about overstepping their boundaries but it can be done in a kind way. Let them know that there will be time in the schedule to include them but they have to be respectful of your time. Remind them that respect is not a one way street and they should value your time to grow and enhance your relationship.
If you have an in-law that always needs you to fix their problems
Sometimes there is an in-law that runs to your spouse for every little problem they encounter and expect them to take care of their troubles. It is one thing to help someone every once in a while but when that person needs rescuing all the time there is a problem. The in-law needs to be told that you love them and you don’t mind helping out sometimes but you cannot drop everything and help them anytime they need it. You will not be doing them any favors if they can’t stand on their own two feet. Some of the best lesions learned are the ones you figure out yourself and if you are there all the time fixing their problems they will never figure out how to solve their own problems.
The bottom line is that incorporating your new family (your in-laws) into your new marriage can be difficult at times but if you remember to keep in mind that your spouse comes first and respect the union of marriage everything else will fall into place overtime. It just takes time, practice and love to get through some difficult times but if you are willing to put some effort into it, it will all be worth it in the end.
