All couples fight - how to do it without destroying your relationship.

Let’s face it all couples fight at some point or another weather it’s about money, household chores, disciplining the kids, etc.  We all fight!  Through the years my husband and I have learned how to fight more effectively and we are a happier couple because of it.  If you had met us as a couple 20 years ago, you probably would have had your doubts that we would make it as a married couple.  We are both the babies of our family and we both were used to getting our own way most all of the time.  We never really listened to each other and we were more concerned about being right rather than being happy.  Believe me learning to fight effectively doesn’t happen overnight; it takes time, practice and patients.  If you are willing to take some time and learn techniques your fighting habits will get better and hopefully become fewer and far between.

Keep calm!

I know it can sometimes be easier said than done especially in the heat of the moment!  Try to take some slow deep breaths, this will help you relax and process the situation.  Also try not to raise your voice.  The tone of your voice can make your partner feel like they have to defend themselves and this can escalate the situation very quickly.  Even if your partner is raising their voice it is important not to raise your voice to match theirs.  My husband is a yeller, he always has been.  I used to get very angry when we would fight and he would yell; now I just respond to him in my natural voice when I respond to him this way he usually calms down and eventually starts talking in a normal tone again.  It doesn’t always work right away, sometimes I have to remind him not to yell but he has gotten so much better over time.

Communicate effectively

When you are in an argument it is easy to place blame on your partner for your feelings.  Please remember not to say “you make me___________”.  Instead try to say “I feel this way___________”

If you place blame on your partner they only way for them to react is to defend themselves but if you say I feel a certain way there is not an argument to be had because you are just stating how you feel.  It’s not an opinion, it a fact that you feel the way you do.  This one simple step can make your arguments more effective.

Keep your emotions in check

This is kind of a hard concept to grasp but once you start to learn this technique, you are going to be so much happier!  Your emotions create your thoughts! If you didn’t feel any emotion to a situation then your brain would not give it another thought; once your emotion is triggered that’s when your brain kicks in and starts giving you your thoughts.   It can be easy to trigger an unwanted emotion (like anger) then your brain starts going and you emphasize why you are angry and then that produces more angry thoughts.  Then you start thinking of other times your partner made you angry, then that makes you even madder.  It is a vicious circle.  So how do you control your emotions?  Well, you might think I am crazy but … just think of happy thoughts or something that makes you happy.  You can’t think happy thoughts and be angry at the same time, it’s impossible.  Keep forcing your brain to think of happy thoughts and then when your emotions are more under control you can try to have a conversation with your partner when you are less emotional.

Getting it all out

When you fight with your partner it is important to get everything off your chest.  I know for me when I fight with my husband sometimes I leave out somethings that are bothering.  Sometimes it is just because I forgot at the time; then I remember later and then I am angry again even though we already made up.  Other times I leave out details because I am afraid that I will hurt him or make him even angrier if I bring it up at that time.  The way I deal with this is to write everything down.  It makes me feel better to get it out.  Sometimes I will give the letter to my husband, other times I will through it away.  It all depends on how I feel but it sounds kind of simple but this really does help.

Go To bed angry

Yes, you read that right!  Go to bed angry!  Sometimes a fight can be stupid and meaningless especially if you are tired.  I can’t tell you how many times my husband and I used to fight over the dumbest things and it was usually just because we were tired.  I had read somewhere that you should never go to bed angry.  I think that is a bunch of bull especially today where we all lead busy lives and we are more tired than ever trying to do everything.  Sometimes all you need is a good night’s sleep and everything will be all clear in the morning.

Stop bringing up things you already fought about

If you learn to fight effectively there is no need to bring up things you already fought about in the past.  If you get it all out the first time and truly listen and feel how the other person feels and communicate your feeling there is no need to bring up past events.  No one feels like rehashing old events over and over. This will only destroy your relationship.  Learn to forgive and you will find yourself much happier.

Roll models

Some people were never thought how to argue in a relationship.  Weather you had parents that were divorced, or argued all the time some people just never had good role models.   If you have someone who has a great marriage you should try to learn and mimic what they do.  If you don’t have anyone close to you that you would consider a role model try reading books, joining facebook groups or subscribe to articles like this to motive you to be a better spouse.

My hope is that you never have to use any of these tips and you are just happy all the time!  But if you do find yourself in a fight with your partner I hope you find some or even all of these tips helpful.

And always remember don’t fight to win because if you do that you already lost!

We would love to hear from you!

Let us know if you have any tips or suggestions.